reality check.

so, today i get to work and i find out that after about 30 minutes of being there, one of our patients passed away down in the intensive care unit. whenever something like this happens, we have to take out our employee directory and call everyone who works on the unit to let them know. well, no one has died since i have worked on this unit so this was my first experience with it...and because at the time of the news, i was the least busy person, i was elected to make the phone calls. the patient was only 3 months old and never really had a fighting chance. a death is still tragic and sad and heartbreaking because no one should have to lose a baby, but because she was so young and such a new diagnosis, she was often too sick to stay on our floor for more than a day or two. so for the most part, no one really knew her. i was able to take care of her personally a few times and so my heart breaks for the loss that her family is experiencing and for her short life and how miserable she must have been.

it just really puts things in perspective. it makes me feel blessed and lucky and it was the first time i have seen the tough part of my job. the fact that you have to take a death as a death and move on. people would hear the news and just say 'thanks for letting me know' and that was it. and i guess when it is something that happens regularly, the phone list, the getting the call, you have to take it in stride. sure, different people will be affected by different kids and some will be more heartbroken, but i guess the risk of this job is knowing that the outcome of death is always a possibility, and that is really hard.

so, tonight my heart just goes out to the little baby's family...i know they must be hurting more than i could ever fathom. watching your baby go through that must be gut wrenching and knowing there is nothing you can do. i am grateful that her fight is over though because no one that small and that young should have such horrible things happening to their little body and not be able to understand the pain or fight it off. i pray for all of them and mostly i pray for my kids who are still fighting this disease every day and who refuse to give up and who beat cancer and go on to live normal, long, healthy lives. wow...i love my job.